My church Speech aint it.

I lost someone on Wednesday.  A person who has played a major role in my life. I turned to writing for guidance, for some sort of relief. I feel that by writing what is occurring in my head right now will be some release of the absolute torment I have in my heart. I feel completely numb and empty inside yet knowing that I have amazing people around to support me is what has been getting me through this. I look at my entire family that surrounds me with love, my friends who have been there since day one. There is no way to thank you, but know that we appreciate everything you have done. No one should have to look at their dad, a friend, a relative, of course a handy man or even just some sort of an acquaintance in a wooden box surrounded by frilly white silk. Colder than the dull Irish weather brings. But that's the reality of life because somewhere in this world, every minute of each day, without warning, someone dies. Wednesday it just happened to be an extremely important person too us who now remains immersed in our hearts for as long as the world holds us. But of course I didn't come up here to make everybody teary eyed. I came up here to share the wonderful experiences that we have had with this person, the good ones and the bad. It isn't the big things I will remember about him. It’s the smallest of the small. Like the way he used to breathe when he was really concentrated on his work. It had a sort of whistle to it, or the way he used to hide the Vaseline deep inside the drawer so I couldn't get my hands on it. Of course pretending he had no idea what I was on about it, or parking an hour away from Thurles and leaving my little very un-fit little legs to trail behind him, consciously looking behind to make sure I hadn't disappeared into the crowd of blue and white that surrounded me. Shouting to hurry on with a large smile on his face. Of course I will not remember his famous saying ‘You make a better door than a window’. Only heard that twenty times a day. Some people may not understand why these will be the sort of things that remain deep within my heart but they shall always stay there. Of course as many know he was a man who was never wrong. Or at least he didn't think so. He raised people on purpose looking for a reaction, and then he would either get angry or laugh uncontrollably explaining how I was the one who started. I suppose I can say I'm glad it gave him such satisfaction, knowing he had the last word, knowing that I would leave the room in anger only to come back at him yet again laughing. This would leave me laughing. My head has been as white and as blank as a sheet of paper for the past few days, so writing this, knowing what to say and trying to put it into words had been quite a difficult task but I knew I wanted to say something. I knew it would make him proud and I know the things I complete in my future years will make him proud. I will go on to succeed because of him, because of the lessons he has thought me, because of the knowledge he has given me. I will not come to terms with loosing this person. I will not be okay about it. But I will fight through it as everyone else I can see around me is doing. We will do it as one big unite. Eye to eye, heart to heart. The shock that has been sent through me is something I cannot explain, nor something that will go away. Something like this is just absolutely impossible to comprehend of to understand and I know that he would want zero fuss but for once he is not getting his own way. My emotions are nonexistent right now, except for the crying which is a given.  So I hope he is able to see everything I do, everything I achieve. Sleep tight. My Love remains with you forever.